Official: The Oakland Raiders are sh*t.

Let's be honest: in a Madame-Zazaesque moment I saw this coming.

If I had Photoshop on this machine, the ND navy and gold would be replaced by Raider Silver and Black, because due to a ridiculous win over the Dallas Cowboys by the Detroit Lions, the Oakland Raiders have the first pick in the NFL draft in April. Whether or not Brady Quinn is the right decision remains to be seen.

Without going into too much detail here, when Charlie Weis came to South Bend Quinn had been struggling in Tyrone Willingham's offense and despite the progress he's made since, the situation in Oakland is not conducive to anyone's confidence (or sanity), especially when he might be thrust into a situation where there may be a new head coach/offensive co-ordinator with Al Davros harping on about the good old days of the vertical passing game.

For the last time, I am your Creator! You will obey me!

Without boring anyone to tears, there is some wonderful talent on the board - as always. Now it's time for the non-playoff teams to work out who they want to take. I'll have some kind of draft preview in the weeks after the Superbowl, but here's a heretical thought: how about Adrian Peterson with first pick and give Andrew Walter a chance to develop?

The other prediction from almost a month ago - that an NFC team with a .500 record would qualify for post season - also came true, even though the New York Giants only clinched that spot with their first win for something like half the season. They beat out Carolina, St Louis and Green Bay and may have ended Brett Favre's pro career.

Right, back over here for a bit. Manyoo now have a six point lead over Chelsea (keep up at the back there) in what is annoyingly referred to as the 'EPL', although they can extend it to nine if they beat Nyurr-cassel today; Chelsea play Aston Villa tomorrow evening. Watford are already ten points away from safety at the bottom and play Full Ham today in a game that not too long ago would have been in the lower half of the league. In Division 1, Brum also have a six point lead (over Preston and Derby), but I'm hoping that Southampton do well this season because I NEVER EVER WANT TO BE STUCK AT THAT BLOODY RAILWAY STATION AGAIN.

By far and away the most exciting situation is in Division 3.

Now I've been away over the Christmas period but due to the wonders of modern technology I've been able to determine a pattern in City's last three games that I should find worrying but don't. Having to come back from a goal - or even two - down to pick up five of the nine points available is typical Bristol City. I'm sure Forest fans are saying the same thing now they've been caught and overtaken by Scunny, so let's have a gander at today's games with Jimmy Hill, who seems to be reporting from 'The World At War' studio this week.

'Tonight we'll be looking at how the Germans used a modified Schlieffen plan to outflank the French..'

'Well, there's a real four pointer at the top of Division 3 this afternoon when third placed Old Ham Athletic take on second placed Nottingham Forest at Boundary Park. Even though Old Ham have already beaten Forest in the league this season, I'm expecting a tightly contested game that will probably finish in a draw.

'Leaders Scunthorpe United travel to Port Vale - The Iron haven't conceded a goal away from home since the beginning of November*, but the Valiants home form has improved recently. I'm expecting a tightly contested game that will probably finish in a draw

'Fourth placed Bristol City visit Leyton Orient for the second time this season, having already won at Brisbane Road in the Watney Cup. Despite their impressive home form City haven't won away in the league since the end of September** so I'm expecting a tightly contested game that will probably finish in a draw. Over to Tony Gubba for thirty seconds of highlights, most of which will be of a dog urinating on a goal post.

Right, well if that's everything, I'm off for a drink, off to see my, erm, nephew at the, erm, ice-rink, yes that's it, huur. Bye.'

I'm off too, to the virtual bookies to spend some of the money the Philadelphia Eagles won for me yesterday. Jimmy might be on to something: all three are 9/4 for the draw.

Coming soon: Dead Painters I Hate.

* Oh Christ, the Recipe For Success (TM) for Division 3 football - win at home, don't let any in away. Monday 5th February on SkySports if you're interested. Watch in horror as the playoff nightmare becomes reality.

** See immediately above